Few questions can be more impactful than those centered around discovering the Positive Intention.
Positive Intent is one of the NLP communities core presuppositions, showing up in a variety of transformational techniques. NLP uses thirteen presuppositions, a set of useful beliefs to hold while coaching others. These presuppositions (although not always true) can form a powerful perspective to overcome obstacles of all kinds.
The concept is straightforward, simply ask the question “What’s the Positive Intention?”. Image asking that question when you are confused by someone’s actions, or angry that you keep repeating the same behaviour in spite of wanting to change. This approach helps to open our minds to possibilities and also change our state from confusion (and perhaps anger) to curious (and perhaps empathetic). This question, “What’s the Positive Intention” can stop someone in their tracks. Try it next time a co-worker or family member is venting about someone or something.
To explore Positive Intention we will want to be and dissociated. This won’t work if we are too associated. The next time someone says “I can’t believe they did that!”, respectfully ask them “What do you think their Positive Intention was?” and watch for a shift in body language. If they sit and think for a moment, great, you’ve stopped them from spinning and can now explore the Positive Intention with them! However, if they reply “there’s no Positive Intention, he’s just a selfish idiot”, well then, they are too associated and your role is to first help them calm down, to help them dissociate, as progress will be limited until they do.
Disclaimer
Let’s not kid ourselves here, Positive Intention is not always obvious. Furthermore, even if we remain curious and dissociated, that doesn’t at all mean we will agree with the outcome. Imagine trying to find the Positive Intention of an arrogant boss that constantly puts you down. What about a parent that yells at their kids every day after work. Or the anxiety we feel before a public speaking engagement. The Positive Intention is impossible to find in those examples, right? It is easier to just say that boss is a self-centered jerk, that parent is a lowlife, the anxiety serves no purpose, then grind our teeth, complain to anyone that will listen, and/or wish something would change. Been there, done that!
Perceptual Positions
Perceptual Positions is an NLP technique that is typically utilized to explore a relationship. The three perspectives (aka Perceptual Positions) are divided as such:
- First position: we are looking at the situation throw our eyes, associated with our feelings, memories, and beliefs.
- Second position: we are looking at the situation through the other’s eyes, associated with their feelings, memories, and beliefs (as best as we can).
- Third position: we are looking at the situation through the eyes of a neutral third party, dissociated, watching, looking for patterns in speech, body language, and relationship dynamics.
An NLP practitioner will walk their client through the Perceptual Positions in a specific order (first, third, second, first) with the sole purpose of gaining awareness. The idea isn’t to fix the relationship, or to prove which party is “right”; instead, it is just to learn. The client will be asked “what position do you believe would be most useful going forward?”. In my experience, the most common answer is Third, the dissociated, neutral-observer position.
Back to our examples above, and that arrogant boss that is always putting us down. What could their Positive Intention be? Let’s enter Second Position and see the world through their eyes with their memories, experiences, and beliefs. They may have been treated the exact same way by their superiors as they were progressing in their career; thus, their Positive Intention is help you grow in your career by treating you in the same manner. This arrogant part may be protecting a repressed subconscious part; thus, the Positive Intention is an internal issue having nothing to do with us (see Inner Dynamics section below for an explanation on ‘parts’). Perhaps they work in a high-pressure, cut-throat partnership; thus, the Positive Intention of the arrogance is project strength and confidence to their partners, again having nothing to do with us.
If we went through the Perceptual Positions exercise and discovered that their Positive Intention was one (or more) of those just listed, would we miraculously feel better? Would our boss get a pass for their behaviour? Not likely! However, it is likely that the Perceptual Positions process will increase our level of empathy, or perhaps our tolerance for their behaviour.
We don’t necessarily excuse their behaviour, but an exploration for the Positive Intention leaves us with a higher level of awareness and in a much better place mentally to work with our boss.
New Behaviour
The New Behaviour Generator is another stock NLP transformational technique. It is a multi-step process, but for this article we will focus on three of those steps:
- Fully explore existing behaviour
- Determine Positive Intention of behaviour
- Dissociate and brainstorm alternative behaviours to arrive at the same Positive Intention
The example we used above was a parent that yells at their kids when they get home from work.
Fully explore existing behaviour: For this example, let’s assume their answer is “I work my butt off for my kids, and when I get home to see they haven’t cleaned their rooms I lash out.” If they are looking to change that behaviour, great, we can move forward. However, if they indicate something like “it’s my right to yell at them, that’s the role of a parent”, we should then explore their existing beliefs as that is likely what is causing the behaviour. For sake of this example, let’s assume they truly want to change this behaviour and not yell at their kids.
Determine Positive Intention: The Positive Intention could be as simple as they want a clean house; however, it is most likely an attempt to install some discipline in their kids. Perhaps some pride in a job completed. Perhaps an early appreciation for an org-chart and how they will have to listen to obey the orders boss in the future.
Let’s use that last one, it would make sense that after a hard day at work that the parent would want to help their kids, to protect them from the same occurrence later in their life when they are in the workforce. To help them by exposing them to what the wrath of a superior feels like. Makes perfect sense to me.
Dissociate and brainstorm: This is the fun step, how can the client achieve the same Positive Intention but with a different behaviour. As a side note, my trainer told me that a minimum of three options should be presented, less than that and it isn’t a true choice. Ok, so we want a minimum of three options here.
- Sit down with their kids and explain why they yell, how it is a reaction to their workplace and that they are just trying to protect them.
- Reward the kids for cleaning their rooms.
- Ensure that when they get home from work, they are in the right mindset to talk to their kids (not yell).
- Hire a cleaning service.
- Hire a nanny.
- Change jobs.
Options 4 – 6 would warrant an Ecology Check. Meaning, as a coach I would ask them if they are truly ok with those options or might they cause another issue(s). As for options 1 – 3, I believe they all have merit as each can satisfy their Positive Intention! In this case I would explore options 1 – 3, perhaps using all of them at different times.
Inner Dynamics
Inner Dynamics (also called “Parts Integration”) is the basis of my Mental Health training. The theory is that we have our Core Self, Protective Parts, and Repressed Parts. As an example, we may have a part we label as “fear”. That fearful part protects us from physical danger; but also, shows up to protect us during a job interview, project meeting, or when we want to talk to that attractive person across the bar. Physical danger present or not, that fear part shows up again-and-again. Why won’t it just go away?! Because it is protecting us, and it has likely been doing so since we were very young.
One of my personal challenges is that I often get anxious when I speak in public. And yes, I understand the irony of choosing a career that puts me in front of a room full of people! This shows up as a rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, shaking hands, and a pit in my stomach. I label this awful feeling as “anxious”.
What is the Positive Intention of my “anxious” part. Perhaps it wants to protect me from being embarrassed, looking foolish, being unprepared. Perhaps it exists because as a 10-year-old I fainted in front of my class when doing a book report presentation (that never happened to me, but it did happen to a client).
In my case, my anxious part is protecting a little kid, the “baby” of the family, the little kid that was teased relentlessly by his older cousins, aunts, and uncles. The little kid that often cried himself to sleep because he was made to feel so bad about himself. My anxious part didn’t want me to ever experience that again; so, it would make me feel physically awful in to protect me from being embarrassed, from the ridicule of others. Its Positive Intention was obvious, it was (is) just trying to protect me!
Discovering my anxious part’s Positive Intention has made a world of difference! Sure, I still get butterflies, but I now appreciate them as I know they are just trying to help. And they do; they help me prepare, to focus, to have a high level of energy. It doesn’t have to protect a little kid anymore. I no longer want this part to go away, as now I appreciate it for what it does for me. I spent decades wishing for that part to leave, ignoring it, being ashamed of it, hating it intensely. And it went nowhere! I was then introduced to Inner Dynamics, and was coached to be curious, to explore this part’s Positive Intention. Decades of hate and wishing it would leave solved nothing; hours of curiosity and appreciation was a game changer!
What if there is no Positive Intention?
“But Mike, take a guy that is hopelessly addicted to drugs. They’ve lost their job, their family, their home. What Positive Intention could that part have?”
Fair question. Perhaps initially it was there to help the guy manage a stressful job. Perhaps initially it was there to protect the guy from a repressed childhood trauma, to numb the pain so-to-speak. And now, its Positive Intention is to protect the guy from committing suicide.
We don’t have to agree with the part’s Positive Intention, but we do want to explore it and understand it. The hard step is to appreciate it. To appreciate it for trying to protect us, as misguided as its efforts may appear.
Closing
Now that this article has taken a rather dark turn, I’ll try and lighten it up! The words “Positive Intention” cause me to instantly think about one specific client. I’m blessed to work with her as her potential is limitless. Her career centers around people management; therefore, frustration can be a daily emotion. Whenever she is spinning or struggling to make sense of the actions of another, my asking “what’s the Positive Intention” causes a noticeable change in body language. Gone is the furrowed brow, fast talking, and slumped shoulders. Replaced by a calm face with a sly grin. She has gotten to the point where (without my interjection) she stops herself from spinning and says, “I know, I know, what’s the Positive Intention?”. From my perspective as her coach, those moments are what it’s all about! Give it a try next time someone is bothering your, and perhaps next time you are bothering yourself.
Best wishes,
Mike